Monday, March 31, 2008
by Woody Allen
In my next life I want to live my life backwards...
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day.
You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school.
You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play.
You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born.
And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then ... Voila!
You finish off as an orgasm!
I rest my case.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Every time I open the fridge I can’t help to wonder how it feels...
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
… And did I mention voraciously horny as well?!?!
I am a devoted dog sitter (“honk, honk” yes … that’s the sound of me tooting my own horn). I go the extra block, give the extra bone, and rub a belly like the best of ‘em … and what do I get in return?!? Used. That’s what I get.
Let me paint a better picture:
Dog watcher calls for Thai take-out … well walked dog humps left leg
Dog watcher opens freezer door … well walked dog humps right leg
Dog watcher opens broom-closet to graciously provide treat to the aforementioned sex offender … well walked dog humper goes for both legs simultaneously (a dog-leg threesome, per se)
I want to snuggle-buggle with Hunter now that it’s bedtime but unfortunately, I fear he will only get the wrong impression …
Why can I not have this effect on human men?!?!? ;)
Friday, March 21, 2008
But, as a single chick in Zoo York City, allow me to bestow a bit of advice ...
Do not (and I repeat DO NOT), kick ass in bocce ball (digital proof...)
and then name your team...
Yep, even if all your friends are engaged/married/with child ... it is not ok (repeat NOT OK), to cock-block* yourself with a "hahaha!-aren't-we-hysterically-funny?" team-name such as "CRABS" ... nope, not cool
*Mom -- it is ok that you do not know what this term means ... CORRECTION: it is very ok that you don't!
I'm fully aware that you are in desperate desire of (legitimate) grand-babes ... and I'm workin' on it ;)
Thursday, March 20, 2008
So today when I was strollin through Battery Park, and I saw this building, I couldn't have resonated more ...
and I said to him/her ... "I feel ya, buddy!"
But as my Grandma Stella says, "Little by little" ...
So I am confident that, (little by little), the day will soon come when I will just simply feel like this :)
Tee hee :)
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Sometimes when I'm stumped on a work issue I look outside and say strange things like, "What should we do about this guys?" .... as if "they" are going to talk back to me
Today it is rainy and gross out but I really don't mind a bit because Ann and Arbor are just drinkin' it up! ... and every day they're getting greener and greener!
Meet Ann (...Arbor is not quite as photogenic ;)
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Monday, March 17, 2008
Friday, March 14, 2008
So tonight, I went in prepared with a reading (and a 40oz) but never mustered up the courage to take the stage.
Really, it wasn't an option ...
How could I ever hold a candle to the girl that walked backwards on stilts? Or the guy who read David Mamet with so much passion - you would have thought he wrote "American Buffalo" himself! Then there was the Blue Grass band that sang Nirvana, the French woman who looked exactly like Audrey Hepburn, and the local bum who played the harmonica (sans teeth) ...
Really, it just wasn't an option tonight. But maybe next week!
I'll keep ya posted ;)
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Those who know me well, know very well, that I loathe laundry ...
I don't like washing, drying, folding, ironing ... nothin!
So today, I made the executive decision
that I am no longer going to do it :)
Insert problem: Who then, is going to?
Insert solution: BRIGHT LAUNDRY LAND!
Located at 108 Stanton St (a.k.a HEAVEN)
There is no exaggerating here ...
I, Stacey Hall, admittedly have not done laundry in 36 days ...
Yep, 3-6 ... no joke ... We're talkin' one month and 6 days ...
Almost 5 weeks ... Yes, one half trimester ...
A whomping 18 pounds of cloth in need of bath.
When we "weighed-in" this aforementioned fabric,
I (per usual) busted out into hysterical laughter.
And then, the best thing that has yet to happen to me in this crazy city happened ...
The wonderful woman at the register (named Lin Sun Mi) said,
"That be fiffteeen dolla. Ready tomorro afta fo p.m"
And, I'm STILL smiling about it :)
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
- The 17 inch commute from my bed to my desk
- The fact that I can wear my fuzzy socks
- The ha!larity that my business card states my office is located at:
XYZ Clinton St ... "Suite 5A" (as it would be highly unprofessional to state the obvious)
But the bestest perk is that every morning, at 10am, this is what I see out my window :)
Introducing the NYC nanny stroller brigade .... what a life!
Sunday, March 9, 2008
I’m really not a cynic or a hater by any means … but I could definitely do without the bouquet toss tradition.
Come on now; let’s get serious … the goddam thing serves two very lame purposes:
- The opportunity for the guys to evaluate all potential ass for the evening (meanwhile hoping the one girl with giant ta-tas will continue to jump up and down)
- The “neat” chance for women to corral around the great hope that a medley of orchids is somehow going to bring Prince Charming and a little bling-bling their way …
Personally, I prefer to dodge this like the draft and catch a cocktail at the bar … just being honest :)
There is no question about it … I am by far the worst packer in America … hands down.
Case in point -- this past weekend:
PURPOSE OF TRAVEL: Cousin Timmy’s wedding in Scottsdale, AZ :)
TIME SPENT PACKING: Roughly 3-5 minutes
Per usual, there was absolutely no thought process behind my “pack-job” for this event … it all just seemed so logical at the time:
- Cowboy Hat (obviously)
- Dress for rehearsal dinner (duhhhh)
- Dress for wedding (clearly)
- 4 bikinis (an absolute must … there’s nothing worse in life than putting on a wet bathing suit!)
- Swimming goggles (another “must have” … all the cool kids under 8 wear them … therefore, so should I)
- Digi Cam (no brainer)
- Cell Phone Charger (ditto)
I mean who really needs a toothbrush, cosmetics, and clean underwear?
So thanks to the sun, I sported a few hundred new freckles (in lieu of make-up) and scored a “breath freshening kit” from housekeeping (…niiiiice!)
All was fine and dandy until mid wedding ceremony, as we bowed our heads to say the Lord’s Prayer; I could see my strawberry bikini bottoms through my dress and couldn’t contain my laughter :) Classic!
Moral of the story … always wear sunscreen ;)
Confession: I spent $6.99 on this “Brilliant Brunette Light Reflecting Shampoo” stuff the other day and I am totally memorized by the fact that it actually works!
I like to consider myself to be a relatively smart person ... but how the hell does one go about making a light reflecting shampoo?!?
I would like to meet the inventor of this fabulous hair soap (…and then breed with him!)
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Is it considered "Indian Giving" when you conspire with others to get your roommate a present that you yourself have been dying to own?!?!
I'd like to a propose a competition of the highest seriousness ...
Q: You talkin' to me?
A: Yes, you! You little blog reader you
Q: Whatch you talkin about Willis?
A: I'm talkin about a contest in which you have the opportunity to submit a design to create quite possibly the best outdoor drinking facility on the Lower East Side of Manhattan :)
Q: Is this Heaven?
A: It very well could be! Please take a moment to review the (Maize and) Blue Print provided of our very own "upper deck" ... a.k.a your blank slate
Winner will be announced on baseball Opening Day: Monday, 3/31
Prizes will be awarded for all sorts of awesomeness :)
Although it is technically "off-season", we must all remember that college football is a religion and Saturday is the Holy day of obligation ... help build our church!
Alright desiiiigneeeers ... MAKE IT WORK!!
Sunday, March 2, 2008
So I went to buy a pop from the corner store (in need of a little 4pm pick-me-up) and there was this white envelope under the front door of my apartment:
Man ... I thought I was bummed by the fact that McCain continues to gain all sorts of Republican trust...but this, this is a whole new kind of bummer :(
I wanted to call our Landlord Manny and be like...
"You didn't even knock? Just a drop-and-run, eh? What ever happened to 'service with a smile'?!? For 3300 bones, you couldn't have thrown in a Wall Street Journal? (which I probably wouldn't have time to read but it would have been a nice gesture!) Or maybe a few Andes mints? (my personal fav) Even a measly little fortune cookie wouldda done the trick! But, thanks for the envelope, Manny! Much appreciated. Happy Leap Year Friday to you too. We'll be sure to deliver your treasure chest on time."
Stacey Hall ... Wannabe Zoo York City Landlord
Peanut Labs, Inc. New York, NY
Tonight I was having a beer at my new favorite bar
called "The Rolling Log Tavern" ...
(my new crazy-haired cowboy-wanna-be drinking buddy)
told me that "We have to check out the moon right-quick!
There's a lunar eclipse!"
He then proceeded to tell me that
"the last time he saw a moon like this
was back in 1963 when he was 9 ..."
I really want to believe his stories
but I do fear that my new friend with a funny name
is a little high on the crack cocaine.
But, I love him nonetheless ;)
No one in Washington works on President's Day because "it's the biggest ski day of the year!" (duhhhh)
So "work" today was held at the Summit at Snoqualmie Pass ... http://www.summitatsnoqualmie
Considering I am the only person on the team who has ever lived East of the Puget Sound (and haven't gone skiing since I was in Breckenridge, CO and knocked the wind outta my stomach so bad in an F- attempt to snowboard) I came prepared with a solid list of legit excuse as to why I will be the one sledding ... down the bunny hills ;)
I also found salvation under the "resort tips" section of the website that there are 3 bars within the Mountain Lodge :) YessssssssAll was going smoothly until I decided to take off my training-wheels and hit up a Black Diamond. The run was called "Pacific West" but it might as well been called "Pee-cific West" because that's pretty much what I did the whole way down ;)
Today, as I was getting off the plane from New York to Seattle, I popped my head in the cockpit to thank the Captains (per usual)
I said “thanks guys!” and then the strangest thing happened … my head turned back to do a double-take because there were no “guys” in the cockpit … just two chicks … two FEMALE pilots! Man oh man I was psyched :)
I turned back and said, “thanks ladies!”
While waiting at the baggage claim I thought, “Am I sexist?!?!” … The fact that I assumed there would be at least one male driving the plane? … The fact that I automatically said, “thanks guys”? …. The fact that I physically did a double-take?!?
Please, allow me state for the record: although I am the only female in the city of Manhattan not voting for Hillary Clinton, I swear, I’m really not sexist. Really!
The most exciting part about exploring a new city is the anonymous feeling that no one here knows me:)
Admittedly, I am not a very religious person … I’ve never “seen God” or been “kissed by an angel” in the middle of the night.
But I do believe in spirits and especially in signs … signs that subtly show up in life and provide affirmation that you are in fact, on the “right track”.
Some may call them “chance”, “coincidence”, “a twist of fate”, or just “luck” … but I call them signs.
I had MANY doubts about leaving Chicago … until I walked down my new street this afternoon only to discover this mural:
I really am home ;)
While sitting on boxes in our living room, Alyssa & I played a little "neighborhood spying game" …
Given the best part about our apartment is all the windows, we put them to use!
Secretly peering at the guy in the window directly across the street …
Stacey: That boy is cute! He has been sitting at his kitchen table now for hours. I bet he’s probably studying for a test. He’s probably gonna be a doctor … a heart surgeon!
Alyssa: Or, he’s probably just got two broken legs and can’t stand up.
Stacey: You’ve been living in Manhattan too long … I’m not playing spy games with you anymore. Bitter Betty! ;)
Similar to sex, using the word “huge” as a descriptor for a New York apartment can be a very relative term.
But Alyssa was absolutely right … our apartment really IS huge!
Like the Incredible Hulk huge*
Like King Kong huge*
Like William “The Refrigerator” Perry huge*
*Not gonna lie, I’ve never really been with the Hulk, King Kong, or the Fridge … but I’m gonna go out on a limb and bet that they’re all pretty well hung ;)
The soon-to-be eating/bar area
My bathroom :)
My work-in-progress bedroom/home office
Our very own private terrace!
Looking down onto our Street from the terrace
All my fears that Zoo York City would be filled with (cold-hearted, unfriendly) Midwest-haters were appeased in an instant when the nice man at American Airlines handed me my plane ticket:
Not for Stacey … but for Stace … like me and Manhattan were already on a nickname basis :)
Maybe I’d get there and they city would be all, "Welcome home, Stace!"
Maybe I'd get off the plane and we’d chest-bump like besties!
Maybe we'd do a little hip-check like we've know each other for years!
Maybe we’d hug-it-out like we hadn't seen each other in ages!
Or maybe it was just a computer typo ;)