My Very 1st UCB Sketch Piece!

NOT SO “TEENY”

STACEY HALL

INT: TEA HOUSE, LOWER EAST SIDE, NEW YORK / NIGHT
Restaurant logo, “TEANY”, is present in backdrop

REX, a rather fit, good looking, single 30 something (who still has a major chubby complex from high school) sits uncomfortably, waiting for his Match.com date.

HARMONY, a thin, vegan, ditsy college student.

SAM, a very lean, handsome server.

HARMONY

Thank you for meeting me here, it’s

totally like my most favorite spot.

REX

Happy to! Always nice trying new

places and meeting new people.

(Reaches in pocket to pull out his note cards)

I must admit, Harmony. You are more

beautiful then I ever imagined.

HARMONY

Umm, thaaaaaaaanks. You look real

nice in your suit, did you like,

come straight from a meeting?

REX

You mean like from a Weight

Watchers meeting? BECAUSE I DIDN’T!

HARMONY

No, no I meant like from a WORK meeting.

(Harmony eagerly flags the server.
Sam enters scene)

SAM

Hello and welcome to Teany --

REX

Let me guess, where you only serve

skinny teeny people?

(Rex laughs at his own joke,
causing him to breath heavily)

SAM

Well, often times they are.

(Sam winks flirtatiously at Harmony)

But mainly it’s because we are TEA

House. In New York. May I take the

order of this lovely lady first?

HARMONY

(Blushing)

Yes, thank you. I’ll have the organic
chick pea and heart of palm lettuce wrap.

REX

And I guess I’ll go with two scoops

of the Chicken Salad Salad.

Woopsydaise, looks like there’s a

teeny typo on the menu!

SAM

No, it is in fact called the

Chicken Salad - Salad.

Would you like anything else?

Possibly a starter to share?

HARMONY

Or maybe we could each get our own appetizer --

REX

Oh, so you don’t want to share with

me because you think I’ll eat all the food?
BECAUSE I WON’T!

SAM

Ooooo-k, I’ll just get the entrees started
and let you two decide.

(Sam takes the menus and walks to the kitchen)

(Rex begins sweating from his forehead)

REX

I’m sorry about that.
Please let me start over --

(Now reading from the note cards he has prepared)

Harmony, let me start off by

complimenting how cute you are.

You’re so petite you could hide

behind a lamp post and I wouldn’t

even find you. You’re legs are so

thin that I could break one off
and use it as a toothpick --

HARMONY

Uhh, thank you? You know, we could

just talk, and like have a real convo ...

REX

Alrighty then. Let me start by asking
one of the first questions on my list.
So Harmony, where are you from?

HARMONY

Uhhh, I’m from Woodstock. Up state.

How about you? Do you like, come from a big family?

REX

I’m from Nebraska. And yes, I guess

you could say my family is large,

we’re all overweight. BUT I’M
WORKING ON IT!

(Sam enters and delivers their food)

(Rex now sweating profusely. He's choked up)

(Harmony hands him her napkin)

REX (CONT’D)

FIRST YOU BRING ME TO THIS TEENY

PERSON RESTAURANT AND THEN YOU JUST

ASSUME MY WHOLE FAMILY IS FAT!

HARMONY

Oh my God, I totally didn’t mean it like that. I meant like, do you have a lot of siblings? That kind of “big” family. Ummm, maybe we should like, get you a drink. On the rocks ...

REX

Yes, I’ll have a Coke, with extra ice.

SAM

We don’t serve Coke, sir. Only TEA.

REX

Well apparently you don’t serve

Chicken Salad - SALAD either!!

(Rex moves the food around with his fork)

What the HELL is this?
Where the hell is the CHICKEN?!

SAM

It’s a blended mixed nut goulash,

sir. We are a VEGAN tea house.

Harmony is our best customer.
I’m sorry she did not explain
that there is no meat here.

(Rex breaks out into hives)

REX

But I put on my profile page that I

have a PEANUT ALLERGY!
Why did you make me come here?

I could be at the gym right now.

Why did you even agree to meet me at all?!

HARMONY

Well, like, my meal plan ran out at

school. So I online date for free dinners.
I’m so sorry for not remembering
about your nut allergy. Hurry, Sam,
bring him the Bamboo elixir!

(Sam signals to the kitchen.
A man dressed in a Panda costume

begins giving Rex the heimlich)

REX

What the HELL is going on here?

SAM

Don’t worry, sir.
We are an ENDANGERED SPECIES SPONSORED
vegan tea house. You’re in good hands.

REX

I’m outt here!

(Rex bolts to the exit, and turns sideways
to get through the front door,
as if he is too fat to fit forwards)

SAM

(Giving Harmony a disappointed look)

You really have to stop bringing in

the ones that freak out over the Panda costume.

HARMONY

Yeah, you’re right.
See ya tomorrow!