One Year Ago Today ...

This may be a little hard to follow
but give it your best shot ... it's worth the midweek laugh :)

One year ago today I was living with one of my best friends (Kate)
in Wrigleyville (Chicago) and was attempting to write
my first book ("Fight the Crazy") as my full-time job.

To the minute,
this is how I spent my time last year,
on November 19th & 20th

If you think you're having a bad day ...
Enjoy!

***

From: Stacey Hall <staceymariehall@gmail.com>
Date: Nov 20, 2007 3:12 PM
Subject: the last 24 hours of my life...verbatim

(11/19)

2pm. go to kinko's to make copy of manuscript to give to illustrator. stop into anthropologie next door "just to look."

3:30-5pm. meet with illustrator at border's in uptown. she proposes contract for much more money/percent-upon-publishing than i ever envisioned providing her. small beads of sweat develop in left armpit - right pit soon to follow. tell illustrator "thank you for taking the time to write this up but i will need to talk to my IP lawyer before signing anything". Ummmm, WHAT?!? those words have never come out of my mouth before.
i feel kinda cool but more so uncomfortable :(

5:30pm. go back to anthropologie to purchase the "much needed" sweater dress that is stalking my every thought but "i will wait to wear it on thanksgiving"

6pm. shower. get ready for date with jim, the guy i met at bar while 8-sheets-to-the-wind after the michigan loss in madison last weekend.

7:30pm. board the halsted 8 bus
(secretly wishing it was the "santa express")

7:37pm. nick calls. "staceroo, i have a huge favor to ask. can you watch harper tomorrow? i will leave a key with the doorman." i say yes because i really am glad to do it, i just love that dog. what's there not to love about a 185lb great pyrenes?!?! i ask if i can take him for a walk and then bring him back to my apartment so he can be my writing buddy for the day. nick says, "great. i'll pick him up at 6pm on my way home from the airport."

8pm. arrive to cafe babareeba. re-meet jim. he's cute. i order sangria at the bar and drink quickly.

8:20pm. we are seated....randomly next to matty, jeff, pat and several other michigan friends. i am thrilled...jim is less than thrilled.

9pm. jim says, "my grandma asked me if i'm gay. well, not exactly, she really asked, 'jim - is everything working ok down there?'"
i laugh...unfortunately at his expense.

9:45pm. jim and i walk out. he is holding car keys. i say, "oh, you don't have to drive me home!" he replies, "oh, i wasn't going to. i'll put you in a cab." i tell him it's a nice night and i'd rather walk. apparently the feeling (or lack thereof) is mutual.

10pm. share glass of white with tyndie and katie. we laugh at my oh-so-dismal "love life".

11pm. arrive home. open bottle of red (even though it makes my face turn shades of hot that have not yet been invented by crayola)

12pm. finish "a heartbreaking work of staggering genius."
(thank you for the recco, chris! i loved it.)

(11/20)

1am. go to kate's room to check my email
(she's in glenview for the night)
i see a fish!
i see fish food!
i want to feed fish.
i go to feed fish and see big sign reading, "DO NOT FEED FISH!"
i don't feed fish :(

8:01am. it's my mom.
i'm worried something's wrong - she usually calls at 10am.
"HOW WAS THE DATE?!?!??!!?"
i promptly hang up on her.

8:16am. it's kate. "can you feed the fish? i totally forgot. 4-5 pellets. no more than that. got it?" got it. will do when i wake up.
i shoulda just fed the damn thing last night!

8:25am. phone alarm sounds. i concede to the cell as it clearly does not want me to be in bed any longer.

9am. send IP lawyer email with the overpriced proposal. she'd like to meet in person. we agree to 4pm.

9:47am. sluggish from wine-over. mad at myself for drinking alone. not going to do that anymore in 2008. i put on my old-school porter-gymnastics-camp spandex under my new sweater dress. waiting to wear it was simply not an option. i pack my voice recorder so i can "write and walk". walk outside. realize i need another layer. grab kate's off-white sweater robe from back of door..."she won't mind".

10am. board red line.
feel let down again that it's not the "santa express"

10:40am. exit state and lake. pass dunkin donuts. decide to get a small coffee. very unlike me but today i feel like coffee. hazelnut to be exact.

11am. enter nick's super sassy apartment building. pick up harper.

begin long walk back to my apartment. i am very excited.
i just love this dog!

11:17am. tackling the magnificent mile, harper sees cha-wa-wa and bolts. coffee spills all over me. kate's sweater is now a shade of off-brown. harper does poop #2 on the drake hotel.

11:30am. i am no longer mad about the coffee. who could be mad at anything when you're walking along the lake?
chicago is so beautiful!

11:55am. cross bridge over lake shore drive. enter lincoln park. harper sees a squirrel. he goes flying causing me to forward somersault in the dirt. kate's sweater now off-black.

12pm. harper sees a flock of geese and begins running. i sprint after him screaming at the top of my lungs. harper jumps into lincoln park pond.

i am in shock. nice jogger man comes to help me call for harper to swim to shore. harper is on a mission to get a goose. he is starting to show signs of fatigue. i start to cry. jogger tries to console me....no such luck.
"i gotta go in and get him. nick's gonna kill me!"
don't go in the pond
"i gotta go in the pond"
don't go in the pond!
i take off my boots, robe, and sweater dress. i'm now in the lincoln park pond. (no joke). swimming after a dog who's swimming after a goose. i grab the leash. we make it to safely to shore. nice jogger man holds harper's leash while i put my layers of clothes back on.

12:15pm. i go to the bathroom at cafe brauer to throw away my wet tank top, socks, spandex and underoos. i can't believe i swam in my sceebies!

12:20pm. swarm of children outside of the lincoln park petting zoo want to pet harper. the zoo keeper lady compliments what a "good dog" he is. harper proceeds to puke several pints of pond water. several children begin to cry.

12:25pm. i hail a cab. cabbie pulls over. "i can take you but no dogs allowed." i contemplate donating harper to the lincoln park lion house.

12:27pm. attempt to board the stockon 151 bus. i ask the driver if the dog can ride. he shakes his head and says, "oh heeeeeeeeeeellls no." i can't help but to cry, again.
i do not like this dog!

12:40pm. walking commando down clark, i enter the field house. bar owner says, "stace! are you ok?" i reply "tim, i need a beer. immediately."

12:43pm. harper engulfs water bowl.
stacey chugs coors light bottle.

12:50pm. walking down diversy. tears well up again. i'm freezing cold, exhausted, buzzed, and starving because no food has graced this belly since the bad date. i think about stopping for food but lord knows what would happen if i tied harper to a fire hydrant.

1pm. creepy crazy man on belmont sees me voice recording...
"are you a detective?"
no
"a reporter?"
no. i don't know what i am. i just want to get home :(

1:05pm. enter groomingdales.
groomers says, "you have a beautiful dog."
i sternly reply, "it is not my dog."
groomer agrees to have dog clean by 5pm.

1:11pm. enter snuggles dry cleaners on racine.
drop off kate's once "off-white" sweater.
dry cleaner man agrees to have sweater clean by 5pm.

1:14pm. enter apartment. turn on shower. lay in bed. weep hysterically. laugh between weeps. hit head repeatedly. question the purpose of my life. feel adamant that pet-owning and/or child-rearing are two activities that really are not for me.

1:20pm. take hot hot hot hot shower. experience "stand by me" moment. thank god - no leeches.

2pm. exit shower. eat sponge bob square pants macaroni and cheese. ponder how i will exactly tell nick of my adventures with devil dog ;)

2:23pm. begin typing this email. debate what it's title should be.
i appropriately decide on "the last 24 hours of my life...verbatim"