An Inconvenient Truth

Confession: 

I not-so-secretly loathe exercising. 

I mean, don't get me wrong, I do it... 

I JUST CANNOT STAND IT!

Problem: 

You need to exercise

Stacey's Solution: 

Hot stubs, saunas, steam rooms and laying on my 
yoga mat half-assing bikram classes 
(all of which allow me to break out a sweat)

***

Much to my dismay, the following story's 110% true (however, my personal trainer's name has just been changed so that I do not publicly offend him on the worldwide interwebs) 

***

Remember that time I was a gypsy? Well, I ended up joining the gym. I'm in my 30's now and let's face it, these thunder thighs were only cute when I was 3.  So I hit up the steam room every day for a month and had a serious laugh when the Membership Director sent me a note saying, "Hey Rockstar! I'm thrilled to see you're making the most of Lakeshore Sport & Fitness. Since you have more than 15 visits in 30 days, you've won a series of free personal training sessions and a $50 gift card. Swing by my office the next time you're in and we'll get you set-up with a trainer."

WHAT?!??!!

So I waddled in to pick up my freebies 

and here's how the rest of the story goes...

***

PERSONAL TRAINING SESSION #1

{insert me meeting Tom for our assessment session. I step on the body measurement contraption and begin to pretend to press lots of buttons and make "doot-doot" noises like a robot. Tom is not impressed with my antics and takes his job VERY seriously. We sit down on the stretching table to review my stats}

Tom:

Ok Stacey, we've got some work to do. You weigh in at 145 pounds and 29% body fat. 

Me:

Nice!

Tom:

No, not nice. You are technically overweight for your height and women your age should have between 18-28% body fat.

Me: 

Oh man, I'm sooo close!

{my glass half full attitude perplexes him greatly}

Tom:

Stacey, how do you eat? 

Me: 

With my mouth :)

Tom:

For real. What is your diet like? For example, what did you eat yesterday? 

Me: 

Hmmmm, yesterday... Well, yesterday was awesome because my niece was born! I woke up, ate a banana yogurt, had a bunch of shit from the vending machine while sitting in the waiting room at Prentice Hospital, then we went to pick up M-Burger after she was born because my sister-in-law was craving a much deserved cheeseburger. Yummmm! And I had like four beers to celebrate with friends when I got home. But don't worry, I came in earlier this morning to steam it all out ;)

Tom:

Great. So what type of exercise do you do when you come here? That's a really good start that you enjoy working out -- half the battle is getting to the gym. 

Me: 

Ooooooh...well, don't tell them but I don't really exercise when I come to the gym. I pretty much just hit up the steam/sauna/hot tub trifecta and drink a boat load of water to re-hydrate. 

Tom:

Stacey, I am the "them" in that sentence.

Me: 

Shoot...

***

PERSONAL TRAINING SESSION #2

{after much banter and many of my antics, Tom tells me I need to FOCUS! and that I cannot take so long on my next water break}

Me: 

Is this fun for you to make me miserable? How much longer do I have to do this? Don't you think one rep was enough? Do people honestly pay you to do this to them? You were in my nightmare last night, Tom. You, and Osama Bin Laden...

Tom:

I'm doing this for your benefit, Stacey. You still have a ways to work down your body fat.

Me: 

Do you have a girlfriend? Because that is no way to talk to a woman! 

***

PERSONAL TRAINING SESSION #3

{the hour-long ass kicking session is winding down -- I'm feisty as hell and begin unlacing my gym shoes}

Tom:

Stacey, you're not done yet! For your cool down, I'd like you take a couple laps...

Me: 

Not gonna happen. I'll be cooling down in the sauna and taking a couple laps around the hot tub. 

Tom: 

Stacey! Please do not go into the locker room and sneak out the back door. You know I can't follow you in there. 

Me: 

Bye, Tom. See ya never! ;)

{after which I immediately refill my water bottle, grab my book from my locker and sneak out the back entrance to kick it on the roof deck} 

***

Weight on May 3rd: 145 pounds | 29% body fat

Weight on May 22nd: 144 pounds | 28.5% body fat

PROGRESS!!!!!

Hahahaha

***

Dear Tom, 

You know I love slash hate you. 

If anything, I thank you for the fodder for this blog post. 

All the best, 

Your absolute worst client

~Me :)

  

***

PS: If anyone would like to come hang for cocktails to spend my $50 gift card at the Lakeshore Sport & Fitness roof top bar this summer...VISITOR'S WELCOME!