Gnome Bomb... quite literally :(

With the photographer in need of my gnomies, I was inspired to use them as the premise for one of my UCB Sketch assingments. Unfortunately, I was apparently the only one to find this funny :( Needless to say, my teacher continues to think I drink absinthe...
and part of me not-so-secretly wants to do so as a result of the fact that not one person laughed during the reading in class.
MAJOR bust!

But for what it's worth, here are my scribbles 
for your viewing "pleasure" ;)

"Gnome Issues Here"

Stacey Hall

INT: Bar / Evening

Three garden gnomes sit at an outdoor beach bar. Bob sits between Sam & Larry. They're each wearing a red hat, white beard, blue shirt, green pants and black boots.

BOB

... but it's like, she doesn't even know I'm alive.

SAM

You haven't had "the talk" yet, have you?  

BOB

No, there just hasn't been a good time.

SAM

(Deep sigh. Gestures to the bartender)

We'll have another round, please. 

BOB

I don't want to frighten her.  

SAM

If you love her, you must tell her.  You should do it next week!  On Christmas Eve -- Tis' the season! 

LARRY

(shaking his head in disagreement)

Terrible idea!  Have you not looked in the mirror lately?  Tis' not the season for gnomes --

(he lifts his mai tai and alludes to a decoration of Santa)

We can't compete with that! 

SAM

Well then pick another day but you must tell her.  I'll never forget the day I told my Elizabeth.  She was tending to the garden and I politely asked, "May I help you darling?"

BOB

So after she knew you could speak, what happened?

SAM

Well sure, I startled the petunias out of her at first but once she put the shovel down, we talked it out, and it's been bliss ever since.  Like two peas in the proverbial pod!

LARRY

You make it sounds like sunshine and rainbows.  What Sam's not telling you is what really happens after you tell her --

BOB

Tell me!

LARRY

About how, after a while, she'll get comfortable, and demand to wear the pants in your relationship.

BOB

(looks down then back at Larry)

But they won't fit her!

LARRY

It's a figure speech -- what I'm sayin' is that she'll have you on a leash so tight that you can kiss freedom goodbye.

BOB

Yeah, I've read that before, in all those "What to Expect" books.  I mean, know I love her, but there's still a part of me that just doesn't know if I'm ready.

SAM

Grass is greener syndrome?  Don't know if you can give up the yard just yet?

LARRY

Haven't quite soiled your oats?  Fertilized enough flowers?  Put out the flame of the burning bush? --

Sam & Larry chuckle, cheers, and then fist pump

BOB

Something like that.  I'm on the fence.  It's like one day, she's on all fours, hoeing the garden and I just wanna tell her I'm alive!

Sam & Larry both nod in agreement 

BOB

And other days, when she's talking baby-talk to that goddamn cat of hers, I just wanna magically disappear.

Sam & Larry heavily nod in agreement and drink 

BOB

You know, get outta dodge for a while!  I've been thinking about traveling.  Maybe head back to Europe -- 

LARRY

Do it.  Run while you can!  

(he cracks his necks)

I haven't slept in weeks.  She moved me next to the new planters.  You know what that means.  

(He throws a glass of water in his face)

Straight to the face.  Three times a day.  THE WOMAN SPRINKLERS THOSE GOD DAMN PLANTS THREE TIMES A DAY! I'm gonna cut the hose.  

(Chugs his mai tai)

Don't tell her Bob.  Save yourself. 

SAM

Well I still think you should tell her -- we may be but wee little men in stature, but we're capable of big things, if you know what I mean.  

Larry nods in agreement and they fist pump again

LARRY

To women! 

(raises his glass)

Can't live with 'em --

SAM

And ya can't live without 'em!

END SCENE.