UCB Sketch: TV Parody

"10 Most Fascinating of 2010"

Stacey Hall

INT: On the set of Sesame Street

Barbara Walters sits with the ten most well know characters of Sesame Street: Big Bird, Oscar, Elmo, Snuffleupagus, Bert & Ernie, Count von Count, Cookie Monster, Grover & Telly Monster. Barbara is in control, her guests are not so much...

BARBARA WALTERS

With Lindsay Lohan behind bars, James Cameron under water, and the President in over his head, I've chosen to honor the cast of Sesame Street as they celebrate their 41st anniversary together this year, here in New York.

Camera pans across the characters. None are paying attention.

BARBARA WALTERS

Thank you all for being here today.

ELMO

Hi Baa-Baa! You look old. Elmo give you hug.

Elmo hugs Barbara. She gives a fake smile when hugging back.

BARBARA WALTERS

It's only fitting that my first question be one that millions around the world have wondered for years. So can you tell me, how DO you get to Sesame Street?

OSCAR THE GROUCH

No

BIG BIRD

Oh, heavens no we cannot say!

ELMO

I could tell you, but then I'd have to HUG you!

COUNT VON COUNT

HA - Ha - HA - Ha - Ha!

SNUFFLEUPAGUS

(He says nothing and stares blankly at the camera. He is wavering back and forth and appears to be half asleep.)

BARBARA WALTERS

What fascinates me most about all of you is not so much your eternal ageless innocence, but more so how you all ended up living on the same exact street. Let's take a look at each, shall we?

Video footage takes over the screen

BARBARA VOICE OVER

Oscar Theodore Grouch grew up in a liberal home in Cambridge, Massachusetts. He joined a children's theater group at age 6 and continued to sing and dance for years until his voice ran dry and the use of his legs became weak. In a fit of rage and rebellion, Oscar moved out of his parents house at the age of 17 and purchased a trash can for 6 cents to take shelter, alone in Manhattan.

Oscar lights a cigarette

OSCAR

People always talkin' trash and laughing at my garbage can like it's a bad thing. Well 40 years later, I just had this piece of shit appraised for $6 million. Who's laughing now?!

COUNT VON COUNT

HA - Ha - Ha - Ha - Ha!

Ooone million dollars...

Twooo million dollars...

Threee million dollars...

HA - Ha - Ha - Ha - Ha!

BARBARA WALTERS

Please Oscar, there is no smoking on the set. But while we're on the topic of narcotics, I must ask the hard question that many parents around the globe have cautioned. Snuffleupaguse, do you suffer from addiction? Possibly to "magic" mushrooms, morphine, or an abundance of ambien?

SNUFFLEUPAGUS

Uhhhh, why did Oscar get one of those video introductions and I did not?

BARBARA WALTERS

Well, to be completely honest "Snuffy", we couldn't find ANY factual background information on you other than your overwhelming weight and that your parents are divorced --

Tears stream down Snuffleupagus's face after she mentions the divorce. He struts off the set trailing puddles of tears.

BIG BIRD

Barbara, you should be ashamed!
Cut to commercial and go comfort him!

Barbara waves down her camera crew to mop up the mess. Video footage takes over the screen.

BARBARA VOICE OVER

Elmondorf Glee grew up in a conservative household in Utah. While others advanced through puberty, "Elmo"'s voice remained at a pitch that left him sounding like the love child of Mickey Mouse and Peter Pan. But it was his ambiguous sexuality that left Elmo ostracized by the other Morman muppets. And where would any homo-suspicious furry friend relocate to find sunnier days? New York City, of course.

BARBARA WALTERS

Thank you being here, Elmo.

ELMO

Thank YOU, Baa-Baa! You get so old. Elmo never get old. Elmo give you BIG hug.

COUNT VON COUNT

HA - Ha - HA - Ha - Ha!

BARBARA WALTERS

Elmo, at such a young age, how is it that you made the journey across the country here to New York?

ELMO

Elmo tickle Baa-Baa!

Elmo reaches in for Barbara and she has none of it.

BARBARA WALTERS

What is wrong with you invalids?!

CAMERA MAN

Move to the next montage. Commercial break in 2 --

BARBARA VOICE OVER

Count von Count, son of a Wall Street tycoon, was born here in --

Cookie Monster bites cord and smiles.
Video feed ends.

CAMERA MAN

Someone get that out of his mouth! Roll the next screen.

BARBARA VOICE OVER

Telly-viv Monsterburg, son of Jewish immigrants who came to America --

Big Bird attempts to perch on camera wire.
Video feed ends.

BARBARA WALTERS

This is ludicrous! You're all acting worse than Tom Cruise on Oprah!

COUNT VON COUNT

HA - Ha - HA - Ha - Ha

CAMERA MAN

We're still live, Barbara! Cut to commercial.

BARBARA WALTERS

When we return, Bert & Ernie will be with us. Stay tuned to find out the real story behind their relationship.

CAMERA MAN

And cut!

Barbara Walters fans herself off with her note cards.

ELMO

Baa-Baa, you look old like a dinosaur! Elmo give you hug.

Barbara socks Elmo and he goes flying across the room.

OSCAR

(smoking)

I knew I liked her.

END SCENE