UCB Sketch: Political Parody

"Thank You Knowtes"

Stacey Hall

INT: Bill & Hillary Clinton's den

Bill & Hillary attempt to relax now that the wedding is over. Hillary is holding a highlighter pen and wearing a sport coat. Bill is wearing a casual t-shirt, jeans and loafers. A stack of 500+ note cards and envelopes are on the desk.

BILL

Hey honey, wanna go the club for lunch?

HILLARY

I can't, I'm proofreading Chelsea's

thank you notes.

BILL

Remember what the counselor told us

about not being "helicopter parents"?

She's married now. I think it's time

to stop hovering.

HILLARY

I'm not hovering, I'm helping. Look

at this one to George W. She wrote,

"Thanks again and best of luck with

your liebrary initiative." SHE PUT

AN E IN LIBRARY! Stanford, Oxford,

Columbia ... for what?

(Bill takes a closer look at the note and smiles proudly)

BILL

Lie-brary. Ha-ha-ha! She's a witty

one that little Chelsea ...

(Hillary glares at Bill, highlights the grammatical "error", and picks up the clipboard that has Chelsea's notes on it.)

HILLARY

Uuugh! I told her to use bullet points

and not roman numerals for the

Mezvinsky list - all I need is for

it to leak that Chelsea's off

numbering Jews ... I'd lose half the

Maryland vote!

(Bill gives her a look to cool her jets)

BILL

Ya know, it doesn't always have to

be November 4th - there's more to

life than shaking hands and kissing

babies, Hillary.

HILLARY

(deep sigh)

If only she'd picked Harvard she could
have swooned with that Marc Zuckerberg ...

the boy is "friends" with the whole world!
One status update from him endorsing me
and I would have WON the primary.

BILL

I think the Marc she has is perfectly

great, Hillary. I was also thinking,

maybe we could go out and try a new

restaurant tonight, I've been thinking

about Wolfgang Puck's new place that's

opening this evening --

HILLARY

Do you think there will be a sizable

amount of media covering it?

BILL

Well, that I don't know, but paparazzi

aside, I thought it would be nice

for you and I to go together and --

HILLARY

Dating is not in the contract, Bill.

BILL

Then let's write a new contract.

Come on Hillary, we're both politicians,
we know how to break rules,

get away with it, and then change
the law in our favor. Whattya say?

Come to dinner with me. Just us.

(The housekeeper enters to refill Hillary's coffee. Hillary immediately sits on Bills lap and starts playing with his hair.)

HILLARY

We're just canoodeling. Don't mind

us, just canoodeling on the couch...

(The housekeeper exits and Hillary goes back to the desk, picks up the clipboard, reviews the list, and gets angry.)

HILLARY (CONT'D)

She didn't write a thank you to Socks!

BILL

Honey, that's because cats can't read

and we put Socks to sleep last year.

HILLARY

Well it would have been a kind gesture.

(Hillary looks up to the clouds)

No one has ever loved me like Socks.

(Bill puts his hand on her shoulder to have an endearing moment.)

BILL

Hillary, honey. You have always had my vote.

HILLARY

Oh, put a cork in it already --

(Housekeeper enters to bring cookies to Bill. Hillary immediately sits on Bills lap and starts playing with his hair.)

HILLARY (CONT'D)

We're just cannoodeling. Don't mind

us, just canoodeling on the chair.

Talking about Al & Tipper...Tragic.

BILL

Yes, just snuggle buggeling together on

the chair. I actually just asked Hillary

to dinner but unfortunately she said --

HILLARY

I said, "Yes!" I unfortunately said

no the first time, with all these

thank you cards to get through, but

spending quality time with my husband

is much more important. We're going

to Wolfgang Puck's new restaurant.

I've been dying to try it. But please,

don't tweet that, we wouldn't want

to draw attention to ourselves...

(Housekeeper leaves the room. Hillary returns to the desk and picks up the thank you to George W.)

HILLARY (CONT'D)

"Lie-brary."

(She finally picks up that it's actually a sly pun and looks at Bill with a half proud smile)

Our little baby Chelsea ...